From the very beginning, I’ve been lucky enough to have great models for loving, committed, married relationships. Count me among the lucky ones.
The next time June 20th rolls around, my parents will have been married for 47 years. That’s nearly half a century of Dad not putting the toilet seat down. Simply incredible.
This week Mom is on a retreat in Missouri, and I am on one in Colorado. At the start of the week, Mom, Dad, and I drove together to the airport. On the way there, she asked him if he wished he were on a retreat of his own.
“Nope,” he said immediately, not taking his eyes off the road.
“Why not?” shot back Mom, from the passenger seat.
“You being gone for a few days? That’s my own wonderful retreat.”
In the backseat, I laughed quietly. I think we may have just stumbled upon the secret to 46 years of sharing a bathroom and bed.
As you also know, I’m the baby of the family. When I was born, my oldest brother was already picking out which beer pong table he wanted to take to college the following fall. All three of my siblings were married well before I ever thought going out with a girl could ever be more fun than playing freeze tag and catching lightning bugs in the front yard.
From the very first time I really started paying attention, marriage just seemed like inevitability. Little did I—and perhaps, still, do I—realize the journey it would take to get there.
Did you always want to get married? How might your life be any different if the people who love you had different values or lifestyles?
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I have no idea if I’m allowed to comment on your blog since I actually don’t know you, I just clicked on a link to it from someone’s Twitter post.
I was the opposite when I was a child, I was very aware of boys and wanted as many of them as I could have. I was the girl in Kindergarten who had 4+ boys literally chasing her at any time wanting to marry her on the playground tomorrow. I had a wedding on most days of the week. I always figured I would get married someday, and I even had an age in mind. I never stopped to think about the journey to get there, even when I was in my late teens-early 20s. As I get older now, I’m starting to see that marriage isn’t something that happens in everyone’s life. Just because I come from a family that is full of successful marriages, I’m not entitled to one of my own like I had thought when I was 18 or so. The first step is finding someone who I can actually get along with and seeing where that road goes. Up until recently, it was like an automated response “yes I want to get married someday”. Now that my timeline didn’t go according to how I wanted it to, I’ve been thinking “do I really want marriage”? So yes to answer your question, I did always want to get married, I used to think I was almost entitled to it as stuck up as that sounds. The process of finding the right man is rather grueling though, so I’m not so sure I’m wanting marriage anytime soon anymore lol.
Second question, I’m sure my life would be completely different if the people around me had different values. I’m very similar to my parents in thoughts and values, and I know if they wouldn’t have stressed the importance in certain topics then yes I would be a different person. If I had grown up in a home where there was fighting and hitting all the time, then I’m sure I would have thought that was an appropriate way to handle disagreements. If I had come from a home where cursing happened frequently, I probably would have a major potty mouth today. I once heard somewhere that you’re a product of your environment(probably some debate in one of my college courses), and I see that in myself. I’m definitely my parents’ daughter, complete with the values.
If this was a blog where only people who knew me could post, we wouldn’t get very far. In fact, Jamey is the only one who knows I’m doing this. Glad you came on board, Amanda! Comment away. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner … I was in the mountains for a week and only managed to get that post up out of some creative maneuvering, not wanting to be the lame-wad who started a blog one week and missed his second scheduled post!
And yes, I think you’re right on. The way I have posed this whole thing is in such a way that it presumes a termination point, but I don’t mean to be closed to the chance that there may not be such a moment. Predicting anything from day to day is hard enough. Oy vey.
I don’t know if this is really where you were going, but I was reminded of the shit that single people have to put up with so often. In my mind, being single is just as much a vocation as being married or being vowed religious, in a broader sense of the word vocation. You see Uncle Billy twice a decade, and yet he sees you at some family party and gets all patronizing when you say you’re single. Uncle Billy doesn’t even consider the possibility of someone intentionally remaining single, or at least single until somebody really worth making a change comes along! It’s frustrating. (and if you’re a clean-cut guy, there’s the inevitable “gay” rumblings–but I’ll assume you don’t have trouble with that one!)
And yes, I agree with you that the process to find worthwhile suitor is grueling. But, then again, that’s only from our perspective of being unlucky or whatever. Wouldn’t it all become a whole lot easier to envision a marriage once a very special person does enter our life? I like to think the veil lifts.
I put timelines on things, too. But that doesn’t seem to work much. With anything. People tell me that this kinda thing happens when you’re least expecting it. Not terribly consoling, but I guess there’s something to that.
On a good day, I also see a lot of my parents in me. And that is a damn fine thing to try to live up to. In my experience of what kind of people my parents are, that’s the most important thing. People love them for who they are, and if I am half as lucky, things will be just fine.